My Darling little Sas,
Sweetheart you are in for such an amazing ride! And if I could tell you one thing to get you through it: trust yourself. It will take you the next 30 years to work it out, but you need to know that you know better than anyone else what’s best for you. And you are starting to understand even now (because you are already on the green books), but you are a smart cookie. Wallow in it. And read everything you can get your hands on.
When Grandad Harry dies, Mum and Dad won’t want you and Little Brother to go to the funeral as they think it will be too upsetting. Go. Say goodbye properly. Aside from this sad loss, your childhood will be quite joyous. You will swim, play a lot backyard cricket and indoor scrabble, you will learn the art of argument at the family dinner table. You will spend a long time feeling frustrated and bewildered at your relationship with Dad. It’s hard for you to hear right now but that won’t change a great deal for a very long time. Just know that this is not your fault.
At 14 Gran will take you to the UK. In just a few months your whole world will be opened up. When you return to the small town and country school you will have grown a massive imagination, ambition, and boobs to match. These things will make you an outsider and you will be teased mercilessly. It will feel as if your world is ending. This too will pass.
At 17 you will discover boys, and one will tell you he loves you. You will feel like a princess. Just know not every boy you sleep with is going to fall in love with you. They cannot take away that sense of empitness or that need to be loved, as they do not have that power. You must learn to make yourself happy. You will have some amazing relationships with men who love you. And some wild and crazy adventures with some who don’t. These won’t last, but even now I still believe in a happy ending. Just follow your heart, even when it breaks, as your life is not going to be in a straight line. Know that you can write. Well. You will win prizes at school and university. A known and published poet will tell you to ‘write my girl, at all costs write’! Your heart will swell in a way nothing else can match.
During your first year at university, don’t drink so much. And don’t have so much sex. Make sure you experiment though – it will pay off in the future ;) When your flatmate suggests using black jelly beans instead of sugar in the home brew, say no. In your last year, you will get really fat (seriously, your graduation photo will be seen on google earth). Don’t eat so much. Run more. You will lose it all and then some. You will graduate but you won’t be a lawyer. This will be the right decision and you won’t regret it. You will move to Wellington for a few years and fall in love for real. With him, your self, your life. You will find that you are very good at your job and you will love the recognition and the rewards this brings. You will start to fill up inside. You will find a new level of confidence. Always say yes at work. Even to the big, scary projects.
Spend time with Mum. You are so different but being like her is no bad thing, you will find more and more of her in you as you get older. She teaches you empathy (a lifelong lesson). Make time for her. Notice everything. Be present, don’t be so impatient to leave. She loves you deeply and unconditionally in a way that you won’t realise until it’s too late. When she is taken on a random Tuesday, your world will change forever. You will be sad for a long time. For a time you will stop being able to feel anything and this will scare you enough to get some help. When you start to notice the sunshine again, you will find that he isn’t waiting for you on the other side. He will do some things that you won’t be able to forgive. Trust that your life will be better without him. You will always be blessed with vibrant, wise, funny, loyal, beautiful girlfriends. Cherish them.
You will grow so much over the next few years, more than you ever thought possible. Your heart will heal and you will find love again, but don’t be so impatient. Accept that not everyone is in your life forever. Say yes to every single travellytrip. And every night out. You will spend 6 years of your life as a stranger in a very strange land. You will find the resources in yourself to cope with anything. You will get the tattoo. When you are in Turkey, don’t drink Efes beer (trust me). Save more money and see more galleries. You will wish you had more of both when you do come home. One day you will write yourself a letter, knowing it has all been spectacularly worth it; you are happy, loved, curious about the world and excited about the future. You will have lots of WOO HOO days.
With much love,
Sasxxx
PS: Don’t ever cut your hair short. Oooh and wear sunscreen.
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Tears prickled my eyes reading this. What a wonderful gal you are!
Oh, how beautiful and painful too. Such a novel way to look back on life and put it all into perspective. So much of growing up is so painful, but when looked back upon, with the benefit of wisdom and hindsight, it makes perfect sense.
I see my oldest daughter, now six, struggling to make sense of the sometimes shallow world around her in the school yard. She is bright, intelligent and thoughtful. Though I can see her confusion and frustration it is not something I can talk away with explanation. I recall my own mother trying and no words could reach the depths of my soul. But those words were important for me to hear and, much later on in life, I am glad I heard them.
This is beautiful too Sas, thanks for the link!