We all have secret fears, things we really don’t like about ourselves; things we don’t want to have to admit to ourselves. Which is where the power of fears lie: they fester and swirl and grow until you chose to address them. And mostly, after I work out what is underneath it all, I can write it out and I find it loses its power over me. You bloggy universe, are a catharsis of sorts :)
I have a problem with immediacy: of only focusing on the thing that’s just happened, instead of looking at the whole thing; I fixate on the current feeling and I lose perspective. It can be as simple as a sorry I can’t make it tonight, a delayed response to a text, an email. And I start to feel that creeping dread (is this when it ends?). Then the doubt sets in: that horrible, insidious thing, it gets into my head and then it’s ‘say hello to the crazy’.
My state of self-imposed singleness was in part, a conscious attempt to deal to my fear of being alone. To learn to make myself happy. And I found it was way less scary than I anticipated. It was the most important gift I could give myself. But of course a virtue never tested is no virtue at all. And now there are challenges which require the retention of perspective, the ability to look at things logically, and most importantly the not letting out of the crazy. Every now and then I have to talk myself out of talking myself out of things.
Later: I have just caught up on Superhero, and as usual she gets right to the heart of the matter in asking: What can you let go of in order to manifest that good thing in your life? Except for me it’s not the what, it’s the how…
Comments
Arrrgh Sas we all feel this. It’s a girl thing. Just trust yourself and make sure you talk to each other! It sounds like you’ve found a good one in Science Guy. Pashing at the end of the beach indeed… we should all be so lucky!
Someone said to me yesterday (or maybe it was on Grey’s?) that learning like healing, takes time.