So Noshy and I have been here, and here and later this year, we are going here, on the basis that nothing beats a spa weekend with a girlfriend. We don’t do the detox thing. It’s more of a tox with oxygen facials and thermal therapy restorative body envelopment on the side.

The worst massage of my life was in Estonia. I had gone to Tallin on a Sleazyjet cheapo flight with LC and 27 young men on a stag weekend. They showed up at Stanstead dressed as their favourite superhero. Anyway, back to the massage. It was an in-room number, and I answered the door to a 6 foot tall Russian shot putter. She yelled at me to strip and lie on the bed. There was no massage table. No candles. Soft music would have been drowned out by her grunting. For the next half an hour she pummelled my back. Time was up when a shrill alarm clock sounded and she ended the experience by slapping me on the arse. After she left, I was laughing so hard I could barely text LC the message: ‘brace yourself’.

Anyway, I am away from home for work and so I have booked myself in to the hotel spa for an hour long massage. This will be followed by a stroll back to my room so I can order in before bath and early night starfished in the super-king.

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