‘Ladies, life is short. Don’t let it be boring too. Sometimes you need to be a little naughty – to tast the sweetness. We’ve broken the rules by creating FLING chocolate. It looks as glamourous as the women it speaks to. It tastes indulgent but keeps its figure at under 85 calories per finger. So go ahead and be as fabulous as you want to be. Lick the wrapper. Shake things up! No one’s looking.’

Fling is a new chocolate bar. By Mars. For women. You can tell because the packaging is pink. Also because it’s called Fling, indicating that there’s something a little bit thrilling and naughty about it. But a Fling is only a little naughty — it just has just (wait for it!) 85 calories (NB: also how you know it’s for women). Wrapped in a shiny pink and sliver package, this ‘delicate chocolate finger’ this ‘long, slim confection’ can also be used for other naughtiness as the ads also invite you to ‘pleasure yourself’ (in sparkly pink lettering, natch).

Oh I see what happened here! Essentially, a bunch of Apprentice wannabe marketeers concluded that chocolate is bad because it makes one fat, and no woman wants to be fat, which is why she should get a Fling because it won’t make her fat, and because we all know that for women, not eating chocolate is TOTALLY not an option. Especially when they are, you know, ‘hormonal’. And women enjoy pleasuring themselves with fingers (which isn’t exactly news). Also, women LOVE pink. That’s why we have to make every women-friendly product pink, so they’ll know when they’re supposed to buy something.

That’s funny becasue everytime I see the Fling (or an ad for the Apprentice) it make me want to stab my eyes out. And now I can do it with a fucking chocolate finger.

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