I have always had an uncomfortable relationship with cameras. Mirrors. Reflective surfaces. I have a few photos of myself that I like. Most of them are of the first part of my adventure here. They are of a different woman, someone I used to be. In most of these pictures I am in a random european country, I am drunk or drinking, I am smiling wildly. Or singing. In one I am covered in champagne and foam. Others have me dancing on tables. This is the me that is the Life And Soul of whatever party you are having. The me that is escaping a reality that is a little terrifying.
When I went home, I was quiet for a long time. I wasn’t in anyone’s photos. I didn’t drink. Partly because I was scared that if I started I might not stop. I knew I needed to properly grieve and let myself feel all of the things I had been running from. I had to do this on my own and I had to do it under a New Zealand sky.
I haven’t shared many photos of myself here, but as part of my Unravelling, I have been experimenting with my camera. It’s heavy weight in my hands has become more familiar. And I am feeling a little braver.
Brave enough to look you in the eye.
Comments
Hello lovely :)
If Picnik makes me look as good as you do, I’ll give it a go (I use Picasa). Fab bone structure madam and indeed, lovely eyes.
Mr LS – my camera is a Canon EOS 400D SLR.
It is permamently on ‘p’ for program as I have no idea what the other buttons do. But I love the zoomy focus, and the images it takes. It is of a satisfying weight and makes a lovely resounding click noise.
And I use Picnik software rather than photoshop. It’s much more basic, but very easy to use.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Beautiful photo! You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself x
You are very pretty, but then I almost always find redheads attractive, well, you know, except family members. Something about the freckles I think… Good camera work!
Looking good to me, and hey! Hope today you get some good news.
Good for you, SAS. Take it slow, no need to rush, but keep going.
you have FANTASTIC eyes.
Thanks all for fabulous comments. I wasn’t seeking the compliments at all, this was more about me feeling as though how i feel about how i look, matches how i feel about who i am. All the same, I am accepting them with grace.
xxx
It’s a cool photo. What do you shoot with?
I love taking photos, I think that’s partly about being camerashy and liking being the one who records things rather than the one who participates.
great post sas x
Again Sas, I don’t know you, much, but I am moved by the frankness of your blogging. I’d only post a photo of myself doing “life-of-the-party” type stuff (I think I have only once). I’d not say much of what’s in my heart. This is a lovely post. I hope the aroha you receive from this, and other, posts encourages you to do the stuff you feel you need to. I’m married to a beautiful redheaded woman so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself lest they seem inappropriate…
My dear, you are stunning. Inside and out. That’s all, really.
xo
I second what Kimberley said – and it’s nice to meet you ‘face to face’… :)