Don’t worry about the techy bits. WordPress looked too complicated for me so I picked Blogger. It’s easy, it’s free and because its owned by Google, it gets spidered better, shows up in more search results, and more people end up here. Some of my favourite bloggers use Typepad. It’s whatever works for you.

If you build it they will come. Read loads of other blogs and leave comments linking to yours. Link anyone who links you, its polite. And you can always delete the freaks and weirdos later. Remember, this is the domain of which you are the mistress (master).

In the name of all that is holy, use spell check.

Nobody cares who you are or what you look like. Similarly, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a shit about amazon’s latest offers. Go ad-free. Unless you are a commercial enterpise. Even then, don’t use ad-sense. And don’t make the background pink. Unless you are sixteen. And a girl.

Don’t be afraid if you think something has been said before. It probably has. And better. Write something real for you: don’t doubt that your story matters. Be more and more honest. Don’t apologise for not blogging. No one cares. And don’t be afraid to come across as an fucktard. You’ll be judged anyway. Own your fucktardness.

Get a Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. If you’re embarrassed about the lack of hits on your blog, don’t be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a shit about hits on your blog. It’s just a blog. Site Meter helps you see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. Use Technocrati, and don’t obsess about followers. Write.

Before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. You are using the miracle of technology, shit is bound to happen.

Find your style. Write beautiful lies. Dream in public. Kiss and tell. Fuck and tell. Get angry, be happy, scream, fight, sing and don’t be afraid to be funny. Write open letters. Make lists. Call people out on their bullshit. Lead by example. Invent and reinvent yourself. Out yourself. Tell your secrets. It separates you from everyone else. You can always delete them later.

When in doubt post a YouTube of your favourite song. Or review something. Invent a rating system. It lends credibility even if you’re full of shit.

Be anonymous if you want. And don’t write about your job unless you don’t care if you get fired. Tell us about your friends though. Nickname everybody. It’s called plausible deniability.

Oh, and nobody likes your poems. Don’t put your poems on your blog. Not even if they’re incredible. Especially if they’re incredible. Odds are they’re not incredible. Bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put your dumb poems on there. Whatever.

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