A week or so ago, my brain shut down on me. I had kind of been expecting it, after many nights of lying awake from 2 to 5am, compounded my inability to concentrate for more than a few minutes during the day. It’s how I imagine suffocating to feel, enveloped in a black cloud, the joy slowly being pressed right out of ones body. When it happened I was working from home, writing a project status report, and I felt the need to google something really simple to check my thinking, which made me suddenly panicky; as though I couldn’t trust my own thoughts. As though the one thing I am supposed to know about was no longer a certainty. My mind racing, all my thoughts were separated and scattered, and then I was sobbing over my keyboard. And I didn’t really stop for a few days.
I am overloaded, yes and its mostly of my own design. Aside from my job and the final push to finish my post-graduate studies, lurking in the wings is the slow realisation that I have effectively orphaned myself. But also there was just too much stimulus, too much online-ness. In my quest to develop more meaning in my career, I was being sucked down the unending vortex of self-development sites and blogs, jammed with pithy quotes and quasi-psychology. When really, I already have the answers, I just need to trust myself and jump. I began to find the pressure to be witty and erudite in 140 characters or less, several times a day, overwhelming. I read and follow so many blogs; I began to feel like a failure for not commenting more, for not having more followers, for not being a blogger blog of note, for not being… enough. And it’s bullshit. There is something about being a blogger. Something real and true and when you’re not being real and true, people can sense it. And so I found I couldn’t blog. I couldn’t write because I had nothing that I thought was worth saying. Nothing that hadn’t been written before (only better). I lost my mojo. And I didn’t want to pretend, or hold back or to conceal. So I just stopped.
This sense of being utterly overwhelmed, of not coping, is an uncomfortable place for me. I’m the one that has her shit together. Except when I don’t. Like now. What I have found is that it’s actually a blessed relief to say, I am really not alright, I need to bug out for a few days and just be taken care of. And the world didn’t end because I didn’t blog or tweet. I didn’t get fired because my report was late. I will still graduate even though my last essay was not my best work. No one ever died from eating take-aways three nights in a row.
We have escaped to this beautiful village on the Cornish coast for my birthday. In our little fisherman’s cottage there is a roll-top bath, fully stocked kitchen, a wood burning stove, dvd player and a Science Guy. The leaves are turning, though the sun is still out. It is, in a word, perfect. Sleep is so deliciously healing. As is the sea (as it ever was). I am still a bit out of sorts but I am working on it. And to be honest, I am very ok with not being happy all the time (the people I find most annoying are often lacking in a bit of melancholy). There is something about taking oneself completely out of a situation, about slowing down. All of this makes me realise that blogging is such that we can’t really hide ourselves. And to be honest, I don’t want to. So you might notice that I am blogging less frequently. I need to hold on to this little piece of peace I have found down here in Thomas country. And I really want to say thank you to all of you for noticing, for leaving comments and sending emails and well, for caring. It means a lot. And it helped. A lot.
‘When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about’ ~ Einstein
Comments
Well said. I tend to still blabber when I should just keep quiet. I’ve been taking an enforced break from working for awhile now, which was restful at first but is now starting to drive me batty. (Can you tell I’ve been filling the void with blogging?)
It sounds like you’ve had a lovely respite. Hope your transition back into the world goes smoothly.
Very well said. I’ve been feeling like this too. As always, trying to do too much, and there is so much pressure with blogging to keep up with everyone and keep posting (or maybe it’s self inflicted pressure)
I was also feeling guilty for not blogging enough, but you’re right, it’s better to take a break than blog for the sake of it.
I do hope that after your lovely break, you’ll get your blogging mojo back, but take your time if you need to!
I just wrote a really long and insightful comment and how I find your writing inspiring…but then blogger ate it!
anyways do whatever you need to feel good again and then come back when you’re ready to, and when you have something to say to the world
like you could ever get rid of me now – we’ve had lunch, and you’re one of my whanau.
so glad that you are getting what you need, when you need it. you are always welcome in my universe, i’ll make tea (or coffee) or pour the wine. come on over whenever you like.
see you soon babe (can’t wait!)
arohanui
Online life is part of who we are now – it is, as a friend once said,”our little magic box full of lovelies in the corner.” But it’s easy to lose balance and fall in. Or, be so busy watching the screen that you lose your perspective.
I recently went through this when we moved here. I have fallen in love again with my offline life (they’re both ‘real’ to me) and I’m not sure where that leaves my bloggy life. I *want* them to integrate, I *want* them to complement each other but for offline life always to be first. Offline has migraines and debt and job worries and dirty washing while online has pretty stuff and PR blogs and lives to long for. But the online has no flavour, no smell, no texture, no pain. I love it but it has it’s place.
I hate to think of you sobbing but I know you’ll turn it around. You’re made of the good stuff – that much shines off you. Offline/In Real Life xx
Oops…stray apostrophe. I do apologise :)
dude, you totally had a meltdown. sometimes that happens.
great post, Sas, we, your followers, are glad to have you back. You’re not the first blogger I’ve read who has talked about losing her mojo, or feeling overloaded by the stress of having to keep up to date. In my opinion, blogging is supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be an outlet of some kind, a place we express ourselves without the limitations of the rest of our daily lives. I blogged about my brother in law’s death and got no comments. It stung at first, that I opened myself up like that, admitted neither of us were perfect, and all I got back was an empty echo. But really, who cares? Was I writing about it to get a sympathetic few lines from someone I’ve never met, who doesn’t know me from Adam etc? No, I wrote it because that was how I felt at that moment, and I wondered if anyone else out there had felt that too. (Evidently, it seemed not.) I would love to have a horde of followers, fans even. But really, my blog is for people who know me and love me and want to see what I’ve been up to. It’s also about being part of a community. I’ve made real connections with people such as yourself through blogging. But like any relationship – it has to be fun. I love reading blogs, I don’t quite know why. I love yours because I get something out of it – a new turn of phrase, a different perspective. You’re funny. You have issues which seem freakily close to my own, you’re self deprecating and your love for Science Guy inspires my own relationship with the Postie that sometimes lapses into loveless. So thank you for the times you do blog, and the times you don’t. Take it easy on yourself. Less is more.
A lovely post. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I wouldn’t worry about the whole Blog Of Note thing, I know one person who was awarded it (and her blog is good) but she has no idea how or why they picked her.
Space, sleep and the sea are so healing. I hope you take all you need of each. More of that red wine, cheese and scrabble combo sounds very medicinal as well.
I’ve certainly found myself overwhelmed by life (on-line and off) on several occasions and having a good sob, admitting I was in over my head and taking some space all helped.
just so totally read back my comment and realise i shouldn’t take too many cold pills in the afternoon on an empty stomach. sorry about the pointless rant.
what i wanted to say was “GO GIRL”.
@Kimberley – I love what you wrote about Sweeny’s dad – I was moved to tears by it. And then I read Sweeny’s mum’s account and had to have a cup of tea! It was such a beautiful account of a sad time. I don’t know why I didn’t comment.
@Marianne just have to say your profile photo is HOT.
Yep, the couple of times I’ve pulled myself out of the Depths Of Dispair involved leaving my life for a bit to get some perspective, then little bit by little bit I pulled all the little pieces back together, starting with getting rid of the 3 months of feeling sorry for myself regrowth and slapping on some mascara. Hair dye and mascara save lives.
Oh, god, I feel you lady! Seriously.
Step AWAY from the self-development sites.
Love this!
And yes, I’ve gone through the same thing. Sometimes its just time to jump off the bloody roller coaster and think about where the hell we’re going.
The realisation that we dont actually have to ‘play’ is very freeing.