As I lay in that dark hour, I was aghast to realize that something within me, long sickening, had quietly died, and felt as a husband might feel, who, in the fourth year of his marriage, suddenly knew that he had no longer, any desire, or tenderness, or esteem, for a once-beloved wife; no pleasure in her company, no wish to please, no curiosity about anything she might ever do or say or think; no hope of setting things right, no self-reproach for the disaster ~ Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited
What if he leaves? Falls out of love? Finds someone younger, prettier, wittier? What if he dies?
These fears are like crap friends, made partly of pmt, a shitey cold and the anniversary of loss; they feed the worst parts of me. They point out my flaws, confirm my doubts, my best day is their worst. They nag me as we browse the wine shop for champagne to celebrate with friends. Again as hummingbirds flutter across the page of the most beautiful handmade invitations. And always they are there to remind me that things fall apart. But I know it is so different now. And that I am ready for this. Excited and scared, mostly in good measure.
And so I am refusing to listen to them anymore. Just shut the fuck up and let me be. Let me be happy. Let those things that happened just be feathers, and not the whole chicken. And let the rules for our marriage stand: no cheating and no dying.
I curl around him in our bed at night and pray for our happy (never)ending.
Comments
trackbacks
Yes! Yes! Yes! They can just shut the fuck up and let you be happy.
I went back and read the ‘Broken’ post and I am filled with love and admiration for the courage you have shown. There is only one way to be sure we will never be hurt and it isn’t an option that you or I were willing to take. But that doesn’t make the choice to love and trust again any less heroic.
You made space for this new love and happiness – it was courageous and you did it. So those crap friends can fuck right off and leave you to enjoy this moment.
Love the pic and love the rules of your marriage and most of all I love your emotinal awareness and your courage to love and be loved. ?
We’re gonna kick those crappy “friends’” butts!!
To love again after so much loss is hard and wonderful. Don’t forget that you’re remarkable and deserving of every happiness. And those ‘crap friend’ questions right there? Yep. You’re not alone. They are a nightly plague I have still yet to banish, and I’m sure they’ll keep haunting me in my weak moments even after we’re married.
Know what? Yes, some things fall apart and it’s utter, utter shite. But some..? Some work. You two are going to work. It’s written all over you.
Move over crappy friends. The newbies are in town and we know the truth.
just relax and enjoy your engagement. those voices really should shut the fuck up. it’s almost christmas!! and it’s really perfectly ok to be happy, no matter what happened in the past.
I just went back and read your “Broken” post, very much the kind of thing I want to write. I was left behind too, and nothing hurts quite as much. But finding out later than the Offending One was just a piece of shit in the first place and I LOVED HIM, that’s the worst part. Your doubts are just that: doubts. We all have them, but moving ahead in fear and trembling, that’s what it’s about, and you are well loved, my friend. If he turns out not to be worthy, we will call out the Vigilante Squad to deal with him! :-)
Oh, the things you can get away with saying in a virtual world!
Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Sometimes to get the biggest rewards in life we have to do what scares us the most.
Easier said than done a lot of the time.
You two will be fantastic. Think positive. It will all work out beautifully!
Big hugs xxxxx amy
It’s the woman’s curse I think to worry about things that have very little likelihood of happening.
Against all odds I continue to be loved after many years; I’m sure you will do the same!
Also – and I think ‘cos I know and love you I can be a bit blunt – worst case scenario…it doesn’t work out (it WILL I’m certain but work with me). Will you die? No. Did you before? No. Are you better and stronger and more human and loving and powerful than you were before the Ex? Yes.
You two are made for each other but are you awesome on your own too? Oh yeah baby. And knowing that is what will give you the peace to enjoy this love you have.
You are powerful and you are safe.
xxxxxxxx
You are so lucky to just have each other, I can’t even find a girlfriend to put up with!
Dont borrow trouble, my dear.
I was intrigued to read further by the title, “Crap Friends”
I heard them too! Or I did for a while. They seem to have shut up! I’m sure yours will too. You deserve to be happy!
Oh my darling. Those pesky crap friends are a necessary evil methinks. They make us appreciate the loyal loving ones. As my dear Mama once said, and as we’ve discussed in the past, over hot tea in ‘Paris’: “It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry”.
This one is SUCH a keeper.
oh you, i’ve read this post a couple of times and the ones from the past that you linked to. i’m at a loss to say much other than, wow. the bravery and transparency in your words inspire me to to kick my own crap friends out the fucking door.
and to shout from the mountain tops that love wins.
i really cannot wait to the happy radiant you (because she’s winning, too).
Trip… trip… stumble… sit on my ass… stumble and fall… that’s been my romantic journey thus far. Hoping for less stony paths. But as a newly retired hero I realize that you can’t “have a happy ending in the middle of the story.” I have sat and read your blog on my Blackberry while I waited for yet another airplane. Thanks for the soft landing spot!!