“Every woman I know – no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure – feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried” ~ Lori Gottlieb
Dear Lori Gottlieb,
Firstly, YAY YOU on publishing the book! That’s huge! And while we don’t actually know each other, I feel like I ‘get’ you, you know, just on the basis of a few quotes issued by your public relations peeps. And I wanted to extend the offer of a three-bottle lunch to maybe talk through some of your issues and see if I can’t maybe help out?
So anyway, wow. It’s so great that you’ve uncovered the real reason women aren’t getting married. Apparently their standards aren’t low enough. And all that talk about “freedom” and “choice” is actually rubbish because women really do need to get married and have lots of babies in order to be fulfilled. Oh love! Where to start? Maybe you just need to get some more interesting friends? You see every woman I care about, have talked endlessly about sex and love and relationships and endings with; well absolutely none of them ultimately aspire to be a wife and mother. Some of them are married and some are parents, it’s just not the sum total of their Reason for Being. And I totally get that having had just a baby via the turkey-baster method, the sleepless nights, the demands from the publisher, doing it all on your own and constantly having to justify your kookie view of the world, it would be bloody exhausting! And that’s what makes your book so wonderfully crazy. You never even got married! Your entire philosophy is based on a hypothetical idea: if you had settled, maybe you would be happier now because maybe you would be in a dull but stable relationship. I’m just not sure I would be asking the Pope for advice on the pros and cons of the IUD, you know?
Can I also offer a wee suggestion? You really should embrace the idea of a checklist for the partner you are looking for. It really doesn’t make you a demanding, stubborn, and delusional woman as you suggest. It doesn’t have to be extensive, just a list of the top five things that you can’t see yourself living without. It keeps a dating person honest. For me, it was as simple as: emotional courage, imagination, thoughtfulness, ability to make me laugh, in possession of one great well fitted suit. See here for more ideas.
So look, Lori. Honey. Let’s get real. There really is nothing better than meeting someone who makes your toes curl, who makes you light up every time you see them, and who makes you shiver when they kiss the back of your neck. However there is nothing worse than being so desperate for the Happily Ever After that you fail to notice all the red flags along the way. The thing is, Happily Ever After is a fuck of a long time to spend with Mr Boringasdrytoast.
Love, Sas
Image credit: Rochelle Carr
Comments
This post made me punch the air and cheer!
Of course it will not stop the sympathetic head bobs when some women of my acquaint find out I am *gasp* 35 and unmarried. They do not believe it is through choice you see. They believe I am with NotTheRightMan (TM)
Which is clearly horseshit.
I’m thrice married (and thrice divorced). I suffered the delusion that being married = happiness. What a waste of time that turned out to be.
When I hear teenagers want to have babies and young 20-somethings searching desperately for a husband I’m saddened. And it isn’t because I’m a bitter divorcee, I just think these women should aspire to be MORE than wives and mothers.
If you are an interesting person with a full life, you will probably eventually attract a compatible person or be perfectly happy to be single.
i would like just an ounce of your eloquence, bravery, humour and intelligence. just an ounce.
jesus, woman, you are on fire.
xx
Oh Sas, thanks, I needed this.
I read one of the many articles yesterday, and was going to do a rebuttal, but didn’t have the energy. I’m glad you do!
awesome.
yes.
you rock.
There are probably some women (and men, we don’t have the monopoly on pickiness!) out there who would find her advice helpful, but I find it hard to believe that the majority of single people are so because they’re too picky.
But then, I married at 25 so what would I know!
amen sister!
Well DONE! And so very, very true.
Well said! Even if it means I will be single the rest of my life, I know better than to settle. I look at the friends in my life who really get me, who inspire me, who I have the most fun with–they’re not people I settled for. So why the hell would I settle when it comes to a husband?!?!
As a 46 year old-turned-down-three-proposals-from-different-men-and-never-wanted-children, can you make that a six bottle lunch and I’ll join you?
I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again – your writing is exquisite.
Sas, Thank you so much for this post, truer words have not been spoken. I’ll tell you that I took this ladies advice and dated Mr. Right Now and it was the most MISERABLE year of my life because when you start compromising your desires in one area, you find your self “settling” or compromising in other far more dangerous ways, or at least I did. A guy who called himself my best friend who had wanted to date me for years I finally gave into and he treated me like arm candy prostitute he could use and leave when he wanted, RED FLAGS WERE IGNORED!!!! And now I’m left with this TERRIBLE memory, my fault I should have listened to myself not some unmarried woman!
Anyway, there is a happy ending, I now am dating quite literally, the man of my dreams, the one I always wanted to be with kind, considerate, loving, attentive and above all one of the best men I’ve ever known. I got lucky and escaped before I totally settled. If I ever see this lady I would probably give her the respectable proper slap in the face with my glove. She is pathetic and clearly clearly doesn’t take her own medicine, proof positive its horse shit.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your comments and review.
i kinda feel sorry for her.
and me, well i was only-just-married by 30 and didn’t settle for anything less than my perfect mate. couldn’t be happier to read your letter to her.
sign my name at the bottom of it too would you love?
xxx
having read all your comments I would be SO chuffed to think that a blog attracts the readers its deserves.
cos you are all kind of awesome.
if Ms Gottlieb ever responds, rest assured I will be inviting you all to the best lunch she has ever had.
xxx
Intelligent, brave, sexy post. I like!
This post is fantastic and very true. Well done!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
write your own book.
i mean it.
xo
Sas, honey, I fucking love you.
I read an article by Ms Gottlieb in The Atlantic a few years ago now (helpfully entitled Marry Him!) that appears to be a much shorter version of exactly the same tripe.
It made me want to set fire to my computer in disgust. I am experiencing quite a similar — and correspondingly stronger emotion — knowing that this bullshit has been turned into a book. Which will, you know, sell actual copies and stuff.
Write your own book immediately. This is not a polite request; it is an urgent demand. Your awesomeness is needed in hard copy across the globe.
And, um, pass the wine.
Great post! You rock & I second the comments that say “write your own book!” I’d love to attend the lunch…we might need more than 3 bottles though! :)
Katherine
Ditto the above! Awesome post, and write your own book!
this blogpost thoroughly amused me.
I agree whole-heartedly! I think every person should have another focus in life than a romantic one because romantic quests generally end with bitter disappointment. Personally, I don’t want to live my life always bitterly disappointed because a man failed to rise to my expectation of fairy tale romance.
For me..I look at the guy and with the personality he has NOW, then think of him as a man who can’t work anymore. can’t perform anymore, I might end up changing his diapers someday and still has the same personality as an old man. Is that the man for me? After one mistake, I finally found that guy. I am happy to be a housewife, step mother and grandmother.
“there is nothing worse than being so desperate for the Happily Ever After that you fail to notice all the red flags along the way.”
Oh yes, I’ve bought that t-shirt!
Fantastic post. xx
I totally agree with Rachel- I was doing some fist pumping while reading this!
I don’t see the big deal about getting married. I am in my 20′s and don’t plan on getting married until I’m in my 40′s (of course, you can’t really PLAN for anything, but you know what I mean). I honestly think people get married too young and, yes, to me 30 is too young to get married.
I think every relationship needs to be regarded as a road trip. Enjoy the trip and don’t rush to the destination or worry about where the destination is.
Now hold on: I feel I should stick up for all us As Boring As Dry Toasts. Okay, so maybe our union hall is a bit grey. And luncheons generally suck (what, with all the flat beer and unsalted peanuts). But we’re good people. Dependable people. And isn’t that what your mom always wanted for you?
@redhanded oh there is nothing wrong with dependable – we all need that.
but i’m talking about not settling; not compromising the things that matter to you (and they are different for everyone) to buy into some romantic fantasy that marriage never is.
anyway my dear, you are far from boringasdrytoast :)
two thumbs WAY up!!! i’m going to share this post with my facebook friends. it is perfection.
i concur.
“dull but stable” and “Mr Boringasdrytoast” made me spit-take my diet coke.
Aren’t you sort of supposed to be picky about who you spend your time with?
I’m ready for a six-bottle lunch with you anytime!
uh, I’m close to 30 and have no desire whatsoever to get married. I don’t know any people my age who are married either. Pffft. Maybe the book was written in another era or something, or just in the era of self delusion.
? Maria-Thérèse blog.afiori.com ?
Oh! I like you, Lady.
Well said, so very well said.