On Friday, The Girl Who Laughs at Everything brought her wedding album into the office. It has taken the best part of nine months to create, in extraordinary detail, the perfect memory book of The Most Important Day of Her Life. She looks so happy in all of the photos, I can only imagine what it all meant to her. But as we approached page 859, I found myself trying to cause the album to burst into flames with the power of my mind.
After the initial thrill of our engagement we have settled happily back to ourselves (now with extra jewellery!). But the thought of planning our wedding makes me want to breathe into a paper bag for a little while. Because how am I going to lose 50 kgs before the big day? There is not a marriage celebrant in the land who doesn’t have arch-angel clip art on their website. There is a very high likelihood that either/both of us will freak out at the thought of being the centre of attention and do snort-laughs throughout the ceremony. It will rain. And so I find myself flitting between thoughts of convincing Science Guy that we remain engaged forever (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it) or we elope to be married by an Elvis impersonator at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel.
And then there is the virtual full-body, protectively padded, flame retardant suit. With reflective vest, red flags, and matching helmet. The safety outfit I wear for protection against Everything That Could Go Wrong After The Big Day. My attempts to minimise the risks largely involve the seeking of answers: Lies At the Altar, The Hard Questions, Committed, The One are piled on my bedside cabinet. Because if I know about the dangers, the risks, the avalanche of circumstantial misfortunes that all add up to The End then maybe I can protect myself, us, from it all going tits-up. My neurosis around this is staggeringly transparent to Science Guy, whos argument is typically (and annoyingly) sensible: ‘that I want to spend my life with you means I don’t ever want to leave’. Yeah well buddy, tell that to Susan Piver. Because unless we find the mutually supportive answer to question 422 (‘what kinds of purchases must be jointly decided upon?’) this thing is fucking doomed. He went on to point out that actually 100% of marriages end in death or divorce.
So there’s that.
And I know I am stumbling through the dance of pre-marital preparations. And that trying to foresee every possible eventuality is a fools errand. And I know that mostly this is about making sure he is sure. That he knows what he is signing up to. Because all of this can get distracting, this wedding stuff. And I need life on Planet Real Life to be manageable. This planet which is so large and lonely and blue and is hurtling through dark, empty space.
But I am grateful that we are both conscious of the whys and the what ifs. And that I feel raw like this: pitching forward, full of hope. And I know I get closer, with every sweet gesture, every reassurance, every spoonage cuddle in the dark of night; I get closer to finding the place in me where love given comes from.
Image credit: avilon_music
Comments
that made me snort and wake the cat up (he is most disgruntled) and then tear up right at the end… You might want to add bullet proof to the outfit though – you never know when a terrorist might be a plus one… great post Sas!
Gosh, yeah it’s scary stuff. In the end of the day though: You love him, he loves you. Right now. Get married in the way that makes you happy. And that padded suit might make quite a show stopper.
I was also bricking it about out wedding. I organised it in 3 days and we had the wedding a month later. I just bit the bullet and did it. It was a brilliant day, just the way we wanted it. Sod everyone else and their ideas of the perfect day. You and your bloke do what you want, how you want.
Good luck, I am sure it will all be fine. Hugs xx
We ran away to Vegas to get married and it was brilliant! Just had a big party for everyone when we got back, so everyone was happy. I can highly recommend it.
sas Replied:
@mrs jones – I love that you did this!
Mrs Jones Replied:
Yeah, do it, do it, do it – ‘cos it means you can combine your honeymoon there as well. We did a week in Vegas, a week in Los Angeles and a week in San Francisco. It was bloody fab! Getting married in Vegas is really easy, and you could pretend you’d just picked each other up in some casino and had decided to get hitched on the spur of the moment. We also ended up having an entire coachload of Japanese tourists join us in a couple of our wedding photos! I tell you, I firmly believe I have more fun memories of our wedding because there wasn’t all the stress of a big churchy meringue affair with all the relatives. Go on, run away and do it….
First, love the new look!
Second, everything will be fine. Till death do you part ;-)
It’s almost impossible for me to leave you words that don’t already mirror everything you’ve already said. You have a way of articulating all the squirmiest fears surrounding the Big White W that makes me giggle and hurt at the same time. All I can really say is that I know the things you’ve written about as raw truths of my own as well.
You are a fucking knock-out in every way.
And part of me secretly wants you to get hitched by a Vegas Elvis, whilst wearing a full-body, protectively padded flame retardant suit.
so beautifully put, as always, dear sas.
i had such similar fears before i got married, but i guess meeting the man and marrying him within 4 months, didn’t leave me too much time to fret about them :)
having said that, being married hasn’t necessarily made them go away. there are days i still worry cam will wake up and realise he’s made this dreadful mistake. or worst yet, when he’s 30 minutes late home, i am already widowed and practically inconsolable about how i will spend the rest of my life alone!
but all that said, most days i feel like the happiest, luckiest woman in the world. because there is nothing quite like being married to The One ;)
and having seen the two of you together, there is no doubt in my mind you will be The Happiest and Luckiest Woman; just as you deserve to be.
xo
sas Replied:
@pen – I totally do this too! 15 minutes late and I am already thinking well I should probably get changed so I am ready to go with the police to the hospital…
Yep, what they said already. It’s always disconcerting to change what is to what will be. I just read a very interesting article in the New York Times Magazine about this very thing. Of course the lady in question is much older than you…
Love the new site. Have been avoiding blogs and screens and words for a while, so this has been lovely to come back to.
Had my own heart-stopping moment of ‘OMG I’m with Him forever, where is the exit?’ which is totally silly because we have a baby, it’s not like we haven’t made a rather large commitment to each other, is it? And he’s awesome.
Like the surfing guru fish in Spongebob says, ‘just keep breathing’.
sas Replied:
@special k yay for you returning to the land of screens! surfing guru fish sounds very wise :)
We can’t protect ourselves from what would, could, should go wrong…especially relationships. My advice? Relax and enjoy. You are one of the lucky few that has a man wishing to love you and be with you. And being married to you lets the world know that he feels that way too.
:-)
But I like the mental image of the protective suit!
Know exactly what you mean about trying to envisage every possible eventuality in order to make sure HE is sure … it’s exhausting :( (and, apparently, occasionally a wee bit trying for the other person).
You should elope to Paris or something! although I think they have some pesky rule about having to live in France for a specified period of itme first … not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course ;)
Best of luck and love the new design btw!
I think that I am glad I got married soooo young. I never had a doubt in my mind that it would last. Twenty years later, I’ve had my doubts, my giving up days, but here we are. Trust yourself. Trust him. It really is a leap of faith.
♥Spot
Super long engagement..Hubby and I were engaged for 15 years! We knew we was going to get married someday, but it just wasn’t something we felt needed to be done. We only finally did get married cause we are old and the paperwork needed to be right, just incase!
Congrats on your upcoming wedding. One peice of advice..Never, ever let money be the issue of a fight. It can kill a relationship just as fast as cheating.
“And so I find myself flitting between thoughts of convincing Science Guy that we remain engaged forever (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it) or we elope to be married by an Elvis impersonator at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel.”
If you do, tell us and we’ll see if we can get the double deal (4 for the price of 2 :) )
sas Replied:
deal!