Image credit: Leonie Wise
Today sucked ass. Like seriously, I spent some time sitting on a loo seat attempting not to cry. It’s a combination of stress, uncertainty, doubt, fear with a massive dollop of pre-monstrosity. Go me. Throughout the day, the little red light on my crackberry has flashed, signalling the arrival of another comment, another story. Thank you. I am so blown away by your honesty, your sharing, your support.
I love what Genna said about this being a choice, echoed by w lovely email from a cherished friend from home. This has sat with me all day: that perhaps what I need to do is to choose myself?
My inclination is to hide from this; to let yesterday’s blurt of frustration and angstyness fall away and blog about everything but this gremlin of mine. To just stop thinking about it. Because when it comes to this particular issue, I am the Queen of Denial. But I am going to step through that and keep going. I know that facing this is not about white-knuckling through another grocery shop, or a menu, or attempting to eat just 17 potato chips, or beating myself up because I had the full, instead of the low-fat yogurt. And I am not going to do this if I try to change everything at once, diet, exercise, etc (I thought that perhaps I should publicly state I will do something momentous, like run the marathon next year, all the while knowing I will feel resentful and even MORE like a failure because this is just one more fucking thing on my to-do list I didn’t do). I tend to go head on into any new project, all or nothing; I set ridiculously high standards for myself and then use my less-than-perfect results to flagellate myself. It’s EXHAUSTNG. And it doesn’t work. Clearly none of this works.
I need a new approach…
‘In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest’ ~ Henry Miller
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This is transition. This is the unsettled water that signals a change in weather. This is discomfort, frustration, anger and something… more.
This is change. It comes not softly, but bubbles over like soup left on the high burner. The discomfort serves the purpose of causing a subtle shift in perspective. Like a foot falling asleep, the mind starts and throbs and tingles, demanding circulation and perfusion. And so it is that something new is born…
Baby steps. Little tiny toddler steps. Halting, uncertain and treasured by the entire surrounding family, these little steps are the beginning of a life-journey. Health and fitness and strength and a good power-to-weight ratio? These are a life process, not something that can be easily attained for an event.
As a personal trainer for fifteen years, I’ve seen many a client embark on a resolution to lose weight. The ones who succeed in reaching their goals are those who know how to take little steps. You’ve got the desire, the weather has shifted and the wind is blowing in a certainty… there is no such thing as neutral.
You’ve got what it takes, Sas.
sas Replied:
thank you thank you thank you xxx
Walking. I truly believe in the incredible weight loss that you can achieve by merely walking more every week (or day). If you usually get the bus to work, walk to the next bus stop; do the classic take the stairs rather than the lift; at the weekend walk into town rather than drive; in fact, forget you even own a car (except for long trips or heavy loads!). Walking is one of the best and most effective fat-burning exercises, and it’s so easy to fit into your daily life. It sounds simple, it is simple and I believe it will help you (and there’s less joint injury than running, unless you do crazy walking marathons!)
I think you look gorgeous as you are, but I understand how important it is for you to feel gorgeous. xx
Phew. I read this post this morning and left it open while I thought about what I wanted to say in a comment! I’m still not quite sure, and I’ve just had a Scrumpy cider, so this may not be an entirely rational response.
I empathise in that some years ago it was me sitting in the office bathroom trying not to cry (and usually failing). At the time it wasn’t the weight loss that was the issue, but a serious anxiety problem that took a long time to overcome.
Here’s my gut reaction. The weight isn’t worth the angst. You are an amazing, intelligent and successful woman who also happens to be a little larger than you’d like. Ok, you might have less self-control over this little part of your life than your ideal, but you’ve succeeded in so many other ways.
Don’t make any big declarations. Start with something small if that’s what you really want. Find something achievable then commit to it. If goals are what work for you, then find some realistic one and then decide that it’s a priority. I’m sure you know that the one small success will build and lead to other, larger ones.
Be nice to yourself. Do this thing because it’s fun and it makes you feel good. You know this! Besides, food is not the enemy. Food is delicious!
Gosh. I’ve read this a few times and come back to write a comment and just not been sure what to write. I love the quote, and think it has a lot to speak into this situation – and indeed to many others, but the relationship between women and food is such a complex, fraught one that I do think it needs to be separated.
It is not easy to have a positive, health self-image in this culture, day and age. Food is an increasingly emotional thing, and it affects everybody differently. I think that it’s also about finding something that works for you in terms of diet and exercise and whatever else. Runnning may very well be the most effective form of cardiovascular exercise – but if you hate it, don’t run. Don’t go on a diet where you have to deprive yourself of all the things you love (ok, if your heart’s one true joy is deep-fried mars with icecream on the side, you may have to give a little). But I think it’s a better idea to think honestly about the changes, whatever they might need to be, that would in the long term help you to get and stay healthy and feeling good about yourself. Sometimes, for some people, it really does help to go on a structured diet, with rules, to lose weight – if you think there might be some merit in that for your personality type, then maybe try and find one which would suit.
I just wanted to wish you all the best with this. It isn’t easy, but knowing that is half the battle towards getting there.