It’s gone. 1 stone, 7 kilos, 15 pounds. I am catching glimpses of myself six months from now, when these choices for sustenance that nourish and heal are innate. When food is just food. When I can run through the park without shame. When I can stand in front of the big mirror outside the fitting room where the best light is, and smile at myself in a perfectly fitting new frock. When I say yes to him in front of god and everybody.
All is possibility right now but I have niggling doubts – can I do this, all of this? And what about the days and weeks where nothing moves, where the numbers stay the same, where life gets in the way? I have no answers really, I just have to trust that in the moment I will make the right choices.
My search for a new contract is taking much longer than usual, the market is so quiet and competition is fierce. This is a really scary place for me. My financial independence and the sense of purpose I get from work is a massive part of who I am and to have to give this up, even temporarily is very very uncomfortable. Recruitment Agents. Sigh. We have less than two months to find a new home. Estate Agents. God. And through it all I am right here in this body. I am feeling everything because without food I have nowhere to hide. I am not really drinking, and I am only going to the gym every few days because I have a tendency to throw myself into distractions which mean I don’t have to deal. And if there is no distraction of shopping, drinking, eating, or whatever the numbing of choice is: you HAVE to feel it.
NB: feeling feelings is hard.
But with these losses come the gains: for months now I have been struggling to compile hundreds of pages of notes and bullet points and scraps of ideas into a book on project management and leadership and stuff. It lost its zing a while ago and I had begun to dread spending time on it. On Wednesday on the train, I just let it go. I closed the Scrivener file and sat watching green fields whizz past for a while.
If I could write about anything what would it be?
I have started something new. And it feels like flying.
Comments
I’m so glad that you have given up what must feel like so much, but that already so much has come in its place.
I have been on an elimination diet due to stomach problems- so no wheat, yeast, sugar or alcohol- and I so hear what you mean about having to stay and face the feelings instead. Some days, make no mistake, I manage it better than others. But I hear you, I really do.
Good luck to you Sas and keep fighting the good fight
xN
sas Replied:
Wow love, that narrows down the field somewhat!
I have found over the last few years that milk and me are not great friends. But lately I can see that bread and sugar leave me feeling sluggish and blergh. I am starting to think that maybe our bodies are not meant to process this kind of ultra-processed food?
There are huge changes going on in the universe right now. Nearly everyone I know is in the middle of some huge flux. I am slowly working through some massive changes that have happened over the last few weeks that have taken away a sense of security but added a sense of liberation. I’ll examine it more on the blog once I don’t have to be confidential about some of it anymore in a month or so.
Things happen for a reason. They work themselves out in the end, but the not knowing, that can be really really hard. x
Your blog is full of honest feelings and ruminations, which is one reason I love to read it. And as Rachel says, there are huge changes going on in everyone’s life right now, it seems.
My life in retirement is full, and I once identified myself as what I did in my job. It passed as easily as a feather floating by on the water…
sas Replied:
Hello lovely!
yes I have always found it easy to say my job is what i do, its not who I am – now I have to LIVE that :)
Exciting – that’s what this all is.
I am thrilled for you as you are moving through transitions in so many parts of your life! Glorious growth spurt… and you write about it so beautifully.
you are the guru, the hero, the transparent soul. human, flawed, and perfectly imperfect. gorgeous, radiant, and deeply wise.
i bow.
and will love you even tomorrow. and the day after that.
You will take all of this in your stride. You will. because you’re amazing. And as someone who also let go of something that was just too much hard work and leapt to something new this week, I’m with you on the flying. The view’s great, huh? xxx
Yay you, what an amazing feat. Good luck with the hunt, sending love. xx
I’ve said this before, but not _today_. You are amazing.
Well done on the weight loss that’s a huge achievement. I know exactly what you mean about feeling panicky about losing your financial independence, even temporarily. I empathise. Finding that bit really hard myself at the moment, and finding contracts not very easy at all.
Sas, in the year 2001 I decided that I was sick of being the fat kid. So I shed 6 stones (30 kilos or thereabouts). There comes a time when progress isn’t as speedy or as smooth and we must concentrate a little harder in figuring out how to do things differently. If there is ONE thing I’ve learnt from my weight loss journey is that we shouldn’t sit on ‘the same’ for weeks and weeks, but should do things differently immediately.
Over the years I’ve figured out that processed carbs are my enemy (sigh) and that sugar too would make a difference if only I managed to drop it completely. I guess that being a vegetarian helps a little, but believe you me, there are so many lovely and tempting things even as a veg, especially cheese and indeed sweeties! Oh and you know that thing about feeling all horribly self-conscious when we exercise at the park or the gym? Nobody gives a shit about you or me going red in the face. Nobody is looking because they are all worrying about others looking at them.
And one last thing, good on you for letting go. Good on you. A couple of years ago I was determined to get one thing published and then got a deal for something else entirely. Things work out in mysterious ways (as you should know, right? The magical mystery tour and all that…!).