After weeks of healthy, good, loving choices, this was supposed to be the post that reported a total weight loss of my first Stone. 14 pounds. 6.3kg.
I was away for part of the week with work, but I planned for everything. I packed lunch for myself on the train journey up, ditched any bread, chose fish and vegetables wherever possible, went to the gym, ate within my calorie limits, walked everywhere, wrote everything down. And without trying to sound like an Informercial, I really do feel more energetic.
And yet my heart just sank this morning as the scales show I have put on over a kilo. And those old gremlins start to raise their voices:
- SEE what happens when you try?
- You idiot, why did you think this time was going to be any different?
- Of course you’ve put on weight, you can’t ever do this.
- You’ll be this size or bigger forever.
- You are a failure. A big fat failure.
- WHY ME?! Why is this so fucking hard.
- This is so unfair.
- I hate this body. I hate that it lets me down every time.
This is when I give up. This is the ‘what’s the fucking point of all of this?’ moment. When I say all of these things to myself over and over until it becomes true. And then I quietly go back to the numbing and the disconnection from my body. But right now I am attending the George Costanza School of Doing The Opposite To Whatever Comes Naturally.
And so here I am giving voice to those voices in an effort to shut them the hell up. I know that I am doing every thing right. I know that the numbers are arbitrary information. I trust that this will all come right, that my body is changing, that my thoughts and feelings are changing. I am going to keep going until it’s done.
And I wish a pox on every woman who has ever said ‘oh I just have a fast metabolism *giggles* now I’m going to go home and watch the internet’ *hair flick*.
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Crap. Hard.
Sending steady vibes.
And ‘fast metabolism’ can fuck off.
sas Replied:
Steady vibes recieved.
This is why I don’t weigh myself very often. My weight can fluctuate by as much as 5 pounds overnight. It’s nonsense and so is the crap people talk about metabolism.
You are healing your heart and your mind. Your body will skip along behind. You’re amazing. xx
sas Replied:
its a bitch. perserverance and all that. but still WTF?!
Fuck off fast metabolisms. I don’t even think there is such a thing. Except on the set of Footballers’ Wives. Or some such crap.
You are so very beautiful. And worthy. And better than those voices. You can do this.
sas Replied:
‘cept i think ON FW they call it speed.
which i am banned from on account of heart condition.
THANKS universe.
You feel more energetic, you’re undoubtedly eating healthier. You’re on the right track and doing well. Stuff the scales.
Go up to the mirror and look into your eyes and tell yourself that you love your gorgeous self.
Throw away your scale. Better yet, smash the gremlins and their voices with the scale before pitching the scale.
still here. no matter what. still here.
love you as is.
Thin girls have body image issues too. Believe me. We’re all burdened in our own ways. And we’re all beautiful. Put a post it note on your mirror today to tell yourself you are and read this post.
http://ohsheglows.com/2010/08/06/operation-beautiful-virtual-book-tour/
Oh Sas, monitoring calorie limits, making low fat/cal food choices, obsessing with the scales, that sounds much like dieting to me. Not like intuitive eating. I’ve been there too many times and felt totally betrayed by the number on the scales. The key for me is deeply buried within this one sentence: “And then I quietly go back to the numbing and the disconnection from my body.” That’s where, for me, the real work lies and I haven’t been quite brave enough yet to go there. Here is an interesting post on the subject: http://www.honormyhealth.com/2010/07/26/intuitive-eating-lose-weight-without-dieting/. Hugs, K.
I’m right there with you. My scales fluctuate like crazy with no rhyme or reason and it breaks me a little when I’ve been working so hard. Better to stay off the scales and just be kind to yourself. Just focus on energy levels and how you feel when you eat right and exercise.
Doing ok. Becoming aware. Making choices.
sas Replied:
amen
scales suck.
but you, now YOU are amazing.
1 pound more, 14 pounds less… YOU are still gorgeous.
still, damn those scales eh?
keep trusting though, because it will happen.
love you
xo
You are the most inspiring, amazing god-sister a girl could ask for!
I will be coming to visit you, hopefully at your wedding, where I’m sure, as always you will be the most beautiful woman in the room, not just your wonderful smile, but also your heart.
sas Replied:
oh sos you are an angel.
seriously.
love you xxx
Oh my goodness, the beautiful message from little Sarah so eloquently says it all. You are always the most beautiful woman in the room – outside and in. The weight thing is really crappy for women ain’t it? I understand that technically our bodies often do this a few weeks in just because they can, you are doing really well and as long as you are listening to your body the rest will happen when it is ready. Keep focusing on the being kind to yourself and your body side of things rather than worrying too much about the calories, easier said than done – I KNOW. xxx
Yeah – about those voices, two points that were a big part of how I’ve successfully lost weight in the past:
1. Track where you are in your cycle – because I noted that I could gain and drop a couple of kg at around the same time each month & nothing I did could change that.
2. Get out the tape measure. There are a number of reasons the scales can go up when you’re doing everything right. #1 is part of it. So is the development of muscle. I noticed that even on weeks when the weight went up, the energy and the cm’s came down. (And that’s what its all about right?)
Studies show that people who ‘track’ are more successful at losing weight. But sometimes you have to track a number of things (energy, weight, intake, cm’s, workout, sleep, emotional state) to understand what’s really going on.
You already know you’ve got it right – and would you really want to just give away all that you’ve achieved so far, as if it had cost you nothing?
Hugs, TP :o)
PS: All things considered (and Oh! how I’ve considered) I’d rather have lovely ladylumps than a fast metabolism. :o)
Sarah, remember these three things:
- life is not linear, and this particular journey won’t be either
- the power of habits (you’re changing yours now, and it takes time to create new ones) and imagination (take yourself forward 3, 6, 9 months and imagine yourself slimmer, healthier, happier and doing it all with less effort)
- weight is just one measure of wellness and health – there are lots of them, some more tangible than others. Gather your data more widely than just the scales.
And good luck – it is a good thing that you’re doing.
sas Replied:
YES!
you are yoda to my jedi :)