The day before, I had a teary chat to Sus as I realised that the only guests at the wedding who had known Mum would be me and my lovely friend Moira. I felt as though I was moving on without her; that she was falling away from my life in a way I couldn’t stop. It made me feel a bit panicked and sad. Mostly I was afraid that Mum wouldn’t ‘be’ there on the day, that there would be no moment of knowing she was with me. When she first died I felt her around me all the time, there were lots of signs that she was there (thunderstorms and ladybirds have taken on new meaning for me – as a natural skeptic I know how ‘woo woo’ this sounds). The sense that Mum is with me has lessened over the years but when she makes her presence felt, my reaction is visceral and I know it to be true.

On Saturday morning we were all in my room as I got ready: talking, laughing: holding space. And then Lisa said ‘Oh I want to play something for you’. And she pushed play on the ipod, the room fell a little quiet and it was electric and crackly. I can’t explain it other than to say amongst these women who really see me, Mum showed up for the party.

And Sus captured the moment, which seems apt as I think she brought Mum with her:

Me & Lisa as the music played (photo by Sus)

Stunning Leonie (photo by Em)

Lisa, Meg & Em on the rolltop bath (photo by Sus)

Me & Sus (photo by Sus)

‘May the grace of god be with you always, in your heart
May you know the truth inside you from the start
May you find the strength to know that you are a
Part of something beautiful…
And I thought that I saw, a light shine,
I thought that I saw a light shine
Yes, I thought, that I saw, a light shine;
I think I see a light shine, now’
~ Alexi Murdoch, Something Beautiful

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